Friday, November 7, 2008
Living Under a Rock?
You must be if you haven't heard about our new location. After a brief hiatus to move our banks of servers and relocate all the hot receptionists to our new office plaza, we will be fully operational at www.80ozoffury.com effective November 8th.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
What The Hell To Do With The BCS?
Don't the hell make Bama #1. Calm down on that. Florida is the best playin' team in the country right now. OU looks goods, but not that good. Sit down all you midwesterners. Careful about what happens, but I vow it plays out in the SEC championship. National Champs again baby!!!
Can't Stride Right
Damnnation. We send a rep all the way over the pond and all we come up with is a picture of Can't Get Right and the Charger quarterbacks?! Are you serious? I will have to have a word with the accountants out on Gay Street about this floundering of funds. In this down turn of the economy we can't be throwing money around. Anyway this is what our corespondent relayed to us back here in the real world:
I mean, we try to represent a little better over there in the Europe, but sometimes this is all you have got. So our rep, CGR, sends this one back over the wire and I am fairly convinced it is fake. Like our boy just walked up to a booth outside of the stadium, had his picture taken, and then photoshopped the bitch in with a picture of the Charger QBs walking across Abbey Road. It is all so perfect and so deceptive...
F Can't Get Right. Why is he playing me like this?! But then I got the silver bullet. You know what I am talking about. That little bit of evidence that puts the nail in the coffin. That cement that closes the wound and you know that Can't Get Right just walked across Abbey Road with the Chargers!
Anyway this is what Zep calls a Communication Breakdown. Why is our rep taking an unsolicited jaywalking excursion? This will be delt with. Clearly the "No Walk" lamp is illuminated.
So my real salt in the crotch about this picture is that our CGR is out of stride. I mean, there are many difficult things in this world and keeping stride with the ancient Beatles is not one of them. Let's examine the gold standard:
So apparently the pro athletes also cannot keep stride. Bitches. Man up Rivers and watch the route! We can't handle this tomfoolery in the states! No one is fighting for the title of Greatest "Athlete" Drinker at this rate... I need to see more from my boy overseas.
The next time I send bitches to another continent I need to make sure that they can follow through on the mission at hand. Speaking of which...we are looking for our next guinea pig. You must be able to travel and have contact with foreigners. And by that I mean you may be heading to Eclectic, AL or such exotic locations as Martinez, GA. You will see the world!
And just to prime the pump, we are moving hosts to our own dedicated server. Be ready in the next few days to behold to new www.80ozoffury.com. Sit down bitches.
I mean, we try to represent a little better over there in the Europe, but sometimes this is all you have got. So our rep, CGR, sends this one back over the wire and I am fairly convinced it is fake. Like our boy just walked up to a booth outside of the stadium, had his picture taken, and then photoshopped the bitch in with a picture of the Charger QBs walking across Abbey Road. It is all so perfect and so deceptive...
F Can't Get Right. Why is he playing me like this?! But then I got the silver bullet. You know what I am talking about. That little bit of evidence that puts the nail in the coffin. That cement that closes the wound and you know that Can't Get Right just walked across Abbey Road with the Chargers!
Anyway this is what Zep calls a Communication Breakdown. Why is our rep taking an unsolicited jaywalking excursion? This will be delt with. Clearly the "No Walk" lamp is illuminated.
So my real salt in the crotch about this picture is that our CGR is out of stride. I mean, there are many difficult things in this world and keeping stride with the ancient Beatles is not one of them. Let's examine the gold standard:
So apparently the pro athletes also cannot keep stride. Bitches. Man up Rivers and watch the route! We can't handle this tomfoolery in the states! No one is fighting for the title of Greatest "Athlete" Drinker at this rate... I need to see more from my boy overseas.The next time I send bitches to another continent I need to make sure that they can follow through on the mission at hand. Speaking of which...we are looking for our next guinea pig. You must be able to travel and have contact with foreigners. And by that I mean you may be heading to Eclectic, AL or such exotic locations as Martinez, GA. You will see the world!
And just to prime the pump, we are moving hosts to our own dedicated server. Be ready in the next few days to behold to new www.80ozoffury.com. Sit down bitches.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Childhood Hero
Everyone has heroes. Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, Ronald Reagan and such... My alcoholic hero is John Damn Daly. The kid fell off the wagon drunk so long ago he has become a piece of roadkill. He is still the only dude I have personally seen finish a cig and toss it down on the 7th green at Augusta National. Are you f'in kidding me?!
So it really comes as no surprise when the Greatest "Athlete" Drinker of all time passes the hell out at Hooters! We all know what a big fan of Hooters Daly is. Every time kid comes to Augusta I meet him over at the Washington Road location to throw a few back. He grabs a few asses and we go about our way. I have never seen him get unruly or uncooperative at all.
But not to get off the point too far here, I am hereby declaring John Damn Daly the Greatest "Athlete" Drinker of all time! I mean up there with Babe Ruth and all that. The Babe was a better "Athlete", and probably got a few more chicks in his life, but Daly is the greatest drinker. Babe also never passed out at a Hooters or scarred the landscape of the most pristine golfing course in the world.
This post dedicated to Bo Jackson, who was not the greatest drinker of all time, who was not even really that good at drinking while playing sports, but who was arguably the greatest athlete (no quotes) of all time. Happy Birthday there Bo.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
who knew muhammad loved bananas????
what if you got 40 virgins - and they were all guys?!!?!?!?!!!?! AAAAGGGGHHHHHH what a waste of time that would have been. i mean, what with the worshipping and praying and kneeling and stoning and jihadding, etc...
monthly meat and two veg
when i get done with this stupid research paper/presentation/doing laps around the world for a diet root beer that some dumb bitch is just going to drop on the ground by my feet, i am going to spend an entire week with one hand tucked into my drawers ala ted bundy and one hand on the remote/xbox controller. that's final
Vacation time?
Does anybody even remember what vacation feels like? As I wake up to the low 30's, i find myself thinking of the good ole days, when we used to lounge by the poolside. These were the days that we would have a few beers for breakfast, a few more for lunch, and move on to whiskey for dinner. We would sit around and tell stories or talk religion with lovell until he fell asleep peacefully on the concrete floor next to the screen door. ahh, the memories.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The Experiment
So I set out this day to measure the very effects of alcohol on the body. What I got was somewhat unexpected.
To set it up: I procured a Wii Fit pad from the McCallens. Time for fun. I obtain my "Wii age" from the mystical box while sober. It tells me I am 36. What the hell is that? It tells me I need to exercise more. That is bullshit. It tells me my upper body may be too weak. That is bullshit. At this point I am worried my experiment just got chucked out of the window by some Jap crap that doesn't know shit.
In spite of the adversity, I press on with my trial. I run hard at the Sunday Drill but only come up with 24:49. Dismal. Disappointing. The earth is spinning in reverse and all that.
What to do? Well, anyone with any balls now checks that "Wii age" again. I am only 12 beers into it at this point:
So the Jap magic box tells me I am now 41 years old. I only gained 5 years in 12 beers? That is a dismal damned return on beers consumed. I will now have to resort to Jack to get my age in the proper position. I have known that I was a senior citizen for some time now.
Well, at least I am not Can't Get Right stuck on the wrong side of the pond in the middle of a fog/rain storm (normal England weather).
F' it. I am out for now. Jimmie Johnson runs some kind of crazy shit and gains 10 positions in the last 8 laps of the race. But big dog Carl Edwards is your race winner. I will try harder next week. My apologies to all the pygmies...
To set it up: I procured a Wii Fit pad from the McCallens. Time for fun. I obtain my "Wii age" from the mystical box while sober. It tells me I am 36. What the hell is that? It tells me I need to exercise more. That is bullshit. It tells me my upper body may be too weak. That is bullshit. At this point I am worried my experiment just got chucked out of the window by some Jap crap that doesn't know shit.
In spite of the adversity, I press on with my trial. I run hard at the Sunday Drill but only come up with 24:49. Dismal. Disappointing. The earth is spinning in reverse and all that.
What to do? Well, anyone with any balls now checks that "Wii age" again. I am only 12 beers into it at this point:
So the Jap magic box tells me I am now 41 years old. I only gained 5 years in 12 beers? That is a dismal damned return on beers consumed. I will now have to resort to Jack to get my age in the proper position. I have known that I was a senior citizen for some time now.
Well, at least I am not Can't Get Right stuck on the wrong side of the pond in the middle of a fog/rain storm (normal England weather).
F' it. I am out for now. Jimmie Johnson runs some kind of crazy shit and gains 10 positions in the last 8 laps of the race. But big dog Carl Edwards is your race winner. I will try harder next week. My apologies to all the pygmies...
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