I Am a Fast Sombitch

I don't have to tell you all this. You know how fast I am. Every damned thing I do is fast. I shop fast, I work fast, I talk on the phone fast, I beat bitches at beer pong fast, I complain about bullshit fast, I am fast to not talk to women unless they meet my criteria fast; every damned thing is fast. Today I wear green. Green means go. Green means fast. Yesterday I went with Skriberstein to purchase a fast car. I took the car and I drove it fast to the dirty Mexican restaurant where I consumed margaritas at a fast pace. I just got off the phone with Dale Jr. and he tells me, "Commish, why don't you slow down a little and enjoy the scenery? You know, go at normal pace for a bit." I told him to F OFF. I take 80 ounces of brew and drink it in 21:36. Could be good, could be bad.... But it is damn sure better than 99.9% of this bankrupt country. And I did it hunched and hung over.

Poll over and the majority of you think that a "human" can drink 80 ounces in less than 3 minutes. Just to clarify, Chad and Mel are not "human". And what KC did is just "inhuman". So the line in the sand has been drawn. 3 minutes. I don't care how you ingest it, but get 80 ounces of beer in your Chuck, gut, in less than or equal to (hooray for math!) 3 minutes and earn yourself a spot on the 80 Ounces of Fury homepage!

Oh, and I will throw in my damned dog since no one seems to want to win her.